on a serious note...

In being open and honest with my blog entries, I have to say that these past few weeks have been kind of tough. I've just really been dealing with a lot of thoughts and emotions about where I am in life right now.

It's hard to explain exactly how I've been feeling, but I'll try. Throughout most of my life, I've always had something going on in my life that I've felt passionate about and loved. In high school I was focused in many areas from class president to church to captain of the basketball team to academics etc. I had so much going on that I truly loved, and that I felt I was good at.

Then, upon arriving at college I became involved in Campus Crusade for Christ leading a Bible study and discipling a freshman girl, as well as various committees. Along with that, I was obviously focused and involved with studying and everything that goes along with that. I enjoyed everything that was going on in my life, and I felt like it was exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

Then, God brought J into my life as my husband. How could life get any better? Amidst the stress and overwhelming nature of finishing school and student teaching, I was passionate about my everyday life.

A year later, we went to Thailand. I know I've talked briefly about stories from our year abroad, but I've never really known how to put into words what that year was really like. I still don't know that I can. It was the most challenging experience I've ever had. God really brought me to a place where I had to realize that He was my greatest need in life. The job that we were there to do was mentally and emotionally draining. The spiritual warfare I experienced was something I had never encountered before. I leaned on J as if he was my only source of survival, and I clung to the Lord with all I had. I remember at one point someone telling me that if all I could do was rely on Christ, love Him, and grow in my relationship with Him, then that was all He would expect of me. And that's exactly what I did. It's all that I felt I could do.

Looking back over our year there, I do have many fond memories. Some of them are of times with my husband, where he was my rock and the one person who never tired of my distress. He pulled me through, when I didn't think I was going to make it another day. Other memories are of my times with God where He comforted me, loved me and guided me through the next day. He constantly revealed things to me about my life and how He created me and has a plan for me. I also have wonderful memories of the people in Thailand, particularly my sweet friend P'Dew, among several others. I loved getting to travel throughout Thailand, and learn the ins and outs of a culture so different from my own, and I loved getting to see and experiences places that I never imagined existed in Thailand as well as in Laos, Veitnam, Malyasia and Singapore.

I also look back, and I have regrets. This is such a sensitive subject for me because throughout our year I always told myself that I would never allow myself to feel regretful because I always did the best that I could do. It's very popular, I think, to say that we should never live with regrets because every experience we go through shapes who we are. But, I simply cannot make myself believe that I have no regrets. I mostly regret thinking about myself so much. Sometimes I was so caught up in my own distress, that I couldn't get outside myself. At times, I missed opportunities to experience parts of the culture, as well as moments of time with the people there, whether for ministry or personal friendships. I regret that. I can't get those moments back, and if I could relive it I have to believe that I would find a way to be better.

When we came back to the States, I was so happy to be home. I had a romanticized view of what it would be like to be back in the States, and for awhile I have to admit it was very romantic to have the luxuries of home - family, friends, air conditioning etc. A mere couple of weeks after arriving back on American soil, we were swept into the routine and busyness of life....with no looking back. People didn't understand what we had experienced or how much it had affected us and changed who we were...and we couldn't expect them to. It was as if we were pretending that the previous year had never existed. Of course, J and I would talk about memories of life there, but we had to move on. America is so fast paced!

I started keeping baby H, which was a blessing from God. I felt so overwhelmed just trying to adjust back to life here...I know that starting my first teaching job at that point just might have pushed me over the edge. And the months flew by. I slowly began to feel more and more confused and unsettled. H really is one of the cutest, sweetest babies I've ever know, but I don't think that God created me to be a nanny for the rest of my life. I struggled between feeling content to be where I was in every moment, and longing for something more.

I still am at that point. One of the biggest lessons that I learned while in Thailand is to not take for granted where God has me at any particular moment. I can never get a moment back once it has passed. I can never go back and tell one more person in the village about Christ or spend one more afternoon making cupcakes with P'Dew. So, I strive everyday to be content to be at home with H, but I long for something more right now. I just don't know what that is. I truly want to try teaching because that's the natural next step, but I don't feel completely convinced that teaching is what I'm meant to do forever. I know that I don't have to make that decision right now. I know that sometimes we have to jump many hurdles before we really find the thing that makes us tick. I'm just praying and trusting God to guide me through those hurdles, and along the way striving to appreciate the journey. I think I just fear never finding that one thing that I was meant to do. I sometimes ask myself - Is it too much to expect that I would find that one thing?

These are the things that have been weighing on my heart lately. I hope that I haven't been too much of a Debbie Downer, but I think that one mistake I've made is denying feelings that I have built up about our time in Thailand. I have to let these thoughts and feelings out so that I can begin to forgive myself for my regrets and move forward, attempting to live each day to the fullest. So, thanks for listening.

Before I go, I have to make this post just a little longer by thanking Mrs. Mojito for these two awards

AND

Several days ago I was having an especially tough morning, and Mrs. Mojito's sweetness totally brightend my morning and lifted my spirits! It was just what I needed. Thank you so much Mojito Maven!

I want to pass both of these along to a few of the sweetest bloggers I know:

Lori at Fake Food Free
Laurel at Healthy Living
Polka Dots and Protein Bars
Krissy at The Bo Family
Lesley at Lesley... Living Life
Chelsey at Scrap Happy